Depression : A Story of a Mother’s Immutable Fear

if-you-could-read-my-mind-youd-be-in-tears-quote-1Mental health. A condition we’ve become more aware of nowadays and try to understand better. Many have made an effort to be heard. But, there are those who are still trying to contend with the stigma that accompanies their admission. 

I am here to share stories related to anxiety and depression, hoping to keep the flame going for mental health awareness.

Here’s a mother’s story.

“Kate Spade. Anthony Bourdain. Causes of death: Suicide by hanging. Three days apart. Unbelievable but true.

Depression does not discriminate. It can affect anyone, whether you are rich and famous or just an ordinary person, like my daughter.

These recent events on mental health have brought me back to a phone call that I will never forget. It was from my daughter who revealed that she was on medication for depression.

Since then, I have been living my life in constant fear of the worst.

Suicide?

”Yes. I couldn’t even bring myself to say the word. And because my daughter was living away from home, that fear was compounded by my guilt of not being able to physically protect her. If it were up to me, I would have encouraged her to come home. But of course, that was not feasible. I cannot tell her to abandon university, come live with me and then what? Make drastic changes to her career path and her future plans? I simply can’t do that. Besides, I knew such decisions were not up to me.

My Anger

Then it dawned on me. I actually did not know what to do! Yet, it was happening! And to someone like me who least expected it. I was caught off-guard and felt like I was thrown into a battle which I was not ready for. I was at a loss. I got angry! What was I supposed to do?

I felt helpless. I found myself wanting and needing for depression to be a physical entity, so I could see and determine how to fight and keep it away from us.

While I groped for answers, I suddenly realized that I was seeing it all wrong! This was not about me at all.

Acceptance

It was about my daughter. I had relegated my own concerns, my anger, and especially my fear, to the background. Doing this paved the way for me to focus on the real issue and accept a painful reality; my daughter has depression. She’s got to cope with it for the rest of her life. But, I am her mother and I’ll make sure she won’t be alone to face it. We are going to deal with it, together.

My Daughter

A friend has said to me. “You know, I admire your daughter very much. I think she is smart. When she recognized that she was having problems, she did something about it. It must have been difficult but she decided to fight anyway.”

I never saw it that way until then.

Indeed, when my daughter was struggling and having thoughts of ”it was better for everyone if I’m gone”, she knew she must seek professional help. And she did.

It must have been difficult to bravely make that phone call and open up to me. But, she did. For this, I am incredibly thankful. It meant another life saved.

It is true. You can not fully understand until it happens to you.

To follow: A Daughter’s Story

Please read: The Onlookers’ Story

and   The Gamer’s Story

In My Arms (A daughter’s wish)

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Holding my mother’s hand

In my arms
I wish she'd be
But I reach out,
Only a shadow I see

I am not void of rue
I ache to hold you
Steady and safe
Never out of sight

Time must turn back!
That I may cease to pine
For one which was mine
Her love eternal and pure

As night faded away
So did she
In her frailty
She let go

In her arms,
I breathed my first
In my arms
She breathed her last.